Feel as though boyfriend (26) is getting complacent already

I have recently begun a relationship with a man; it is not even 3 months old. He is wonderful—intelligent, loving, funny, understanding, and helpful—but I feel as though the romance has gone a bit already. He doesn’t compliment me as much as he used to, and he doesn’t plan or initiate outdoor dates unless I ask him to. In the short time we’ve been dating, I have planned maybe 80-90% of our outdoor dates. He has only ever taken me out on a romantic date completely initiated by him once, our fourth date, and it was the best date of my life. So it’s not that he can’t, and it was one activity followed by a restaurant. But it meant so much because it was the knowing that he thought about me, and I felt wanted and romanced.

My love language is words of affirmation, and when we got together he was full of compliments, and I for him, but it’s nowhere near the same now. I often find myself reading back our old messages to feel that verbal affection and romance from him again. It concerns me because we’re far from being in a “settled”, long-term relationship; we’re meant to still be in the honeymoon phase, trying to impress each other. I still put in effort to look good for him, to make him feel special, to plan dates, and to surprise him. For instance, I once surprised him by writing him a letter and placing it next to cupcakes which spelled out, ‘I appreciate you.’ I’m not asking to be whisked away to Paris for a romantic weekend; I just want to feel special, and for him to care enough to put some effort in while this relationship is still young.

That being said, he is very introverted (so am I but I like going out as long as strangers don’t talk to me). He has cooked nice meals for me many times, often brought me my favourite coffee while I was still in bed, and been there for me without fail every time I’ve been sad or stressed. He has been incredibly supportive, and he understands me more than I give him credit for sometimes. It’s not that I want to break up with him at all, far from it. I can see myself with this person for the long-term (I wouldn’t be in this otherwise), potentially forever, and we have spoken about our future multiple times. We have met each other’s families and friends, and I have seen how genuinely good he is. I have improved as a human being since knowing him... I just don’t want to be settled and domestic so soon.

The solution to this isn’t even to talk to him about it, because I have. I have communicated to him at least five times that I would appreciate it if he initiated things more, and every time he seems to listen but then nothing much changes. I have even expressed that sometimes when I’m in a more depressed, illogical state it can make me insecure and doubt his feelings for me; still, not much of a change. I am beginning to wonder if maybe he’s not as good a listener as I initially thought he was, as when I bring something to him, there is acknowledgement but little to no changed behaviour. I have tried leading by example.

It doesn’t seem like there is anything else to do; perhaps this is something I just put up with. Inevitably though, it disappoints me, and it has made me hold back more now myself, as I don’t want to keep putting as much effort in if my partner isn’t, especially after I’ve told him. I honestly just wish we had taken everything slower.

tl;dr Believe boyfriend of about 2.5 months is getting complacent in our relationship already and not planning dates without by asked. Have tried explaining how this makes me feel but to no avail. However, in every other way he is incredible

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* This article was originally published here

I know it's a bad idea. But it's exciting.

I'm no spring chicken (38f) and I just got off a breakup. No rush to meet someone, enjoying my single life, etc.

But I just started dating a guy I met at a spa. There's a common area for men and women to hang out and relax after their massages. Guy starts talking to me out of the blue and I talk back, we go to dinner, I find out he's 19.

In the back of my mind, I told myself "no", but he's nice and respectful. And he didn't flinch when I told him I'm twice his age. He's shorter than me (he's like 5'5, and I'm 5'10), thin as a rail, and wears dorky glasses.

But he makes me laugh and knows a lot of stuff. Like he can carry conversations like a man with twice the years of experience he currently has. That's really the thing that gets me. I love talking about history, culture, and all that other boring stuff. But somehow he stays on the level. And what really gets me is he acts like a lord from the 1850s (opening doors for me, standing up from the table when I stand up, holding my chair for me, that kind of shit). I'm not into that, but it's fascinating.

We've gone on 4 dates. No kissing or any type of fooling around yet (neither of us broached the subject). I didn't know society built 19 year olds this way? Or maybe I'm being scammed or something. I don't know.

Whatever it is, he makes me feel younger and excited. Perhaps I'm just in the rebound phase? I also don't want to upset him if we take this too far. I'm not stupid. Relax. I know It's a bad idea to keep going and I can already sense the comments telling me to stop it. Maybe someone can knock some sense into me. :)

TL;DR - dating a guy half my age and he's nice, respectful, and knowledgeable beyond his years. Bad idea, maybe someone can make me realize it.

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* This article was originally published here

Boyfriend shamed me for getting drunk

I went out with a group of friends (and my boyfriend) for an event, afterwards we went to hang out more and get drinks. I had multiple events to go to and didn’t have dinner because they were hosted from 6-10 and none of them had food.

As a result, I was on a pretty empty stomach but felt comfortable because I was with my boyfriend and my friends. I didn’t realize I’d had as much to drink as I did, as we were moving around from place to place, and I got a bit drunk (as did most of my friends). My boyfriend got upset that I said I could drive home, so he stormed off and left me in the parking garage, so I had no choice but to drive myself home anyway.

I called him four times to let him know I was home and he ignored all of my calls. The next morning he still hadn’t reached out to even check on me, so I called him and he berated me, shamed me, scolded me and completely made me feel like a terrible human for getting drunk and driving myself home after he left me. He said he shouldn’t have to be responsible for me if I get drunk.

I felt confused, not because of his statement about drunk driving, but about the fact that he was scolding me for getting drunk while actively doing nothing to help me get home safe. He talked about how he has a friend who was seriously impacted by drunk driving, and I was acting like a child.

Yes, I was drunk, but not black out drunk to the point of having zero recollection of the night, he had also been drinking too and so had my friends. We were all a bit drunk by the end of the night.

I’m not upset about him pointing out drinking and driving, I’m not arguing that and I made a mistake. But I AM concerned about the fact that while he shamed me for driving drunk, he did nothing to ensure that I didn’t have to drive or that I even got home safe. He has since said that he doesn’t believe in me feeling comfortable enough with him to get drunk because it means that he is “expected” to make sure I’m okay, which is an unfair expectation of him.

I know that I am responsible for myself, but truly, I work so hard, rarely go out with friends (this was the first time I’d seen them in months), I’m not drinking everyday nor do I even get drunk every time I DO go out. He said he has had a problem with my drinking for a while and that I disrespected him by not accepting his offer to drive me home the first time and that he should not have to spend five minutes convincing a drunk person to accept a ride home and that other drunk people would have just said “okay, thank you for driving me.”

Though I can hear where he’s coming from, I feel that I am being punished for not immediately accepting his ride. If I was as drunk as he says I was, why was he expecting me to have sober decision making capabilities and WHY did he leave me alone in the middle of downtown and force me to get myself home and then not even check to make sure I was okay. I don’t need a babysitter, but I had one night of fun and felt comfortable to do so and part of that is because I thought my boyfriend would care about me enough to just make sure I was good, should anything happen, I would expect that if I were sober as well. Am I overthinking?

And side note, I am not making excuses for getting drunk and I do understand the severity of drunk driving. And if the roles were reversed, I don’t care if he said “no” to a ride home, I would have taken his keys and drove him home or gotten an Uber if I really felt like he was too inebriated to drive. I’m shocked that he doesn’t believe he should be expected to do that for me and also shocked that he has now completely bashed my character for issues that he has also never taken the time to communicate he even had with me. He said this was the third strike, but I was never updated on the first two strikes! I’m shocked and unsure of if I can actually depend on my boyfriend.

TL: dr my boyfriend left me downtown while I was drunk, after a night of hanging out with friends. He said I was stupid to drive home and should have accepted his ride and that it is not his responsibility to make sure I’m okay just because I had too much to drink

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* This article was originally published here

Girlfriend (24f) called me (27m) selfish for wanting to relax during our 10 days off

I have been with my gf for 3 years. The place I work closes over Christmas so everyone gets 10 days off. I have to complete exams through work and I have 3 in December. I have 3 study days a week from mid September until the week before the exam and this is alongside still doing my job the remaining 2 days of the work week. I had 2 exams last year and my stress levels got really high and by the end of it I was burnt out.

There are quite a lot of video games coming out in the autumn and winter that I'd normally buy straight away but I just won't have time to actually enjoy them so I'm planning on getting them over Christmas and playing them then. I live with my partner and for Christmas, she will be going to her parents for christmas eve and christmas day then coming home boxing day and I'll be doing the same with my parents. This gives me 7 days off. I was talking to my partner and said I'll book us a nice restaurant and cocktail bars for new years eve but apart from that I mentioned that I was thinking about us just spending the week relaxing in the apartment.

I'll have the games I want to play and my gf will have gotten games for her Nintendo switch, I'll have gotten some comic books to read and my gf will have gotten some other books to read so we'll have plenty to do. I explained that I know I'm going to be burnt out after the exams so I think a relaxing week might be nice for both of us since we rarely have time to just focus on our hobbies.

She said that's not what she wanted and she was thinking we could have a holiday for 3-4 nights. I refused and said there's no way I'm going to be up for going away when I can pretty much guarantee I'm going to be tired. I said we can possibly do a night away towards the end of the week but I want the majority to be relaxing since I'll need it. She said I was being selfish by refusing to consider her idea but I pointed out I've offered a compromise and explained why I don't want to be doing much over that week.

She just repeated that she thinks I'm being unfair and selfish by not going away for 3-4 nights since it would still leave me with 3 days to relax at home. Does anyone have any advice on how they would handle this?

tl;dr I get 10 days off work over christmas and I have 3 work related exams in December that are going to be stressful so I mentioned to my gf about using our time off to just relax and enjoy what we get for christmas etc she said no because she wants to go away for 4 nights on a holiday. I tried to compromise by offering a night away but she said I was being selfish and unfair since I'd still have 3 days to relax if we went away for 4 nights. Does anyone have any advice on how they would handle this?

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* This article was originally published here

My 26M boyfriend called me 20F fat

We’ve been arguing pretty much everyday for the past couple months he’s done with it and I’m done with it and it feels like we can never get on the same page, we break up frequently and he treats me horrible but I can’t find it in myself to leave him because of how low he’s brought my self worth. Tonight he called me fat ( I’m literally not fat I just have big boobs and a little tummy barely anything because I do work out ) he told me to “ shutup you fat b**** telling me he’s going to drag me out of the apartment by my hair if I don’t shutup I said I’m not fat while I’m balling my eyes out and he’s saying “ could’ve fooled me “. He just told me “ im tired of this negative relationship “ too and he’ll say the most hurtful things you could think of call me a “ dirty*hore” etc. I don’t know how to describe it but I feel stuck it feels like I’m losing so much more than just some random guy I’ve been with for 3 years, I’ve completely lost myself. it feels like before all of this he made me feel so protected and loved ( I didn’t have a dad growing up and the father figures I did have that my mom had around tall ended up leaving ) i don’t know if it’s related but it really feels like was healing me and also being older it’s so hard to leave him but I know I shouldn’t be with him. I have no self esteem left I’ve never felt so horrible in my life

and it feels like that was what he was planning to do all along ( it feels like at least )? in the beginning he was the perfect man but he was always talking about how I was too beautiful for him telling me he doesn’t deserve me he’d always tell me how beautiful I was etc. but overtime ( around a year) the compliments stopped and he started to say nice things like that less, and he started being horrible during our arguments. I find myself holding onto that man he was before.

I feel horrible about myself now. I’ve always been known for being beautiful and especially in high school. I didn’t believe it within myself but I know I looked good, I can’t get the things he’s said to me out of my head all my self esteem is gone and I know I need to leave him but it feels like I can’t. Please someone help me I feel so attached to this man but he’s absolutely horrible.

Tldr; my boyfriend calls me names

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* This article was originally published here

Singledom, friends and contentment

I currently have a gf (28f) but she isn't the one (or a one) and I need to end it. It will destroy her, but long-term she'll be better off. This post isn't about that though.

My core group of friends involves 3 married guys and 1 who I'm 95% sure will marry his current gf. 1 of the mates just had a baby, another mate has one on the way. They all seem to do exciting stuff with their partners, go on holidays etc. I currently have 9 weeks annual leave saved up because I never go on a holiday. Feels increasingly like I have little in common with them.

I basically just work (which includes a lot of travel). I personally wouldn't date me, I'm fairly shut off, have what would be described as an avoidance attachment style and I'm not good at expressing my emotions.

I love hanging out with my mates occasionally, but part of me also thinks I'd be happier/consistently neutral if I just worked and watched TV on weekends and cut them out.

I just needed to vent. Feeling lost after catching up with them on the weekend.

Tl;Dr: do I cut out my mates from my life so I can live my life in neutral?

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My [23M] partner [23F] is going travelling for a year - feel hopeless and anxious

We [23M and 23F] have been together for 1 year, and in a few omnths they will be moving country for a year for a working holiday.

The distance would be huge - a 20 hour flight and an 8 hour time difference, which makes it even harder to communicate via call/message

I am very upset by this and it's hard to not feel a bit angry at being left behind

My GF wants to stay together during this time and do a long distance relationship, and believes it can work. I am much more hesitant, but at the same time it feels impossible to break up as our relationship is so good otherwise.

I don't hopeful at all that we would manage to stay happy during this time. I know I will struggle with the lack of physical connection, be worried about her meeting someone else, and overall just find it very hard.

But we love eachother a lot and enjoy being together so much, that I can't end things

The best we can hope for is to see eachother once the entire year. Me going with is not an option unfortunately.

I am not sure I believe long distance for this length of time could work, but they feel otherwise, and say they know many people who have done it - so why can't we?

Its something they have always wanted to do, which I get, but I can't help feel that they are abandoning a relationship that is going very well

This is incredibly hard because a breakup is hard as it is, but that normally happens due to relationship issues. Here we both love eachother and are our enjoying our relationship so much that if it weren't for this we would definitely continue

TLDR: Partner leaving in a few months for a working holiday, for one year. She wants to stay together during this time, but I am unsure. I cannot go with and the distance will be huge, so we could only hope to visit once the whole year. I don't want to break up, but also don't think I could cope with long distance (struggle with needing physical connection, and I would be worried about her meeting someone else). I know I struggle a lot with long distance, and I also can't help but feel a bit rejected. Our relationship was going so well before this. I feel hopeless. Any advice?

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* This article was originally published here