I have recently begun a relationship with a man; it is not even 3 months old. He is wonderful—intelligent, loving, funny, understanding, and helpful—but I feel as though the romance has gone a bit already. He doesn’t compliment me as much as he used to, and he doesn’t plan or initiate outdoor dates unless I ask him to. In the short time we’ve been dating, I have planned maybe 80-90% of our outdoor dates. He has only ever taken me out on a romantic date completely initiated by him once, our fourth date, and it was the best date of my life. So it’s not that he can’t, and it was one activity followed by a restaurant. But it meant so much because it was the knowing that he thought about me, and I felt wanted and romanced.
My love language is words of affirmation, and when we got together he was full of compliments, and I for him, but it’s nowhere near the same now. I often find myself reading back our old messages to feel that verbal affection and romance from him again. It concerns me because we’re far from being in a “settled”, long-term relationship; we’re meant to still be in the honeymoon phase, trying to impress each other. I still put in effort to look good for him, to make him feel special, to plan dates, and to surprise him. For instance, I once surprised him by writing him a letter and placing it next to cupcakes which spelled out, ‘I appreciate you.’ I’m not asking to be whisked away to Paris for a romantic weekend; I just want to feel special, and for him to care enough to put some effort in while this relationship is still young.
That being said, he is very introverted (so am I but I like going out as long as strangers don’t talk to me). He has cooked nice meals for me many times, often brought me my favourite coffee while I was still in bed, and been there for me without fail every time I’ve been sad or stressed. He has been incredibly supportive, and he understands me more than I give him credit for sometimes. It’s not that I want to break up with him at all, far from it. I can see myself with this person for the long-term (I wouldn’t be in this otherwise), potentially forever, and we have spoken about our future multiple times. We have met each other’s families and friends, and I have seen how genuinely good he is. I have improved as a human being since knowing him... I just don’t want to be settled and domestic so soon.
The solution to this isn’t even to talk to him about it, because I have. I have communicated to him at least five times that I would appreciate it if he initiated things more, and every time he seems to listen but then nothing much changes. I have even expressed that sometimes when I’m in a more depressed, illogical state it can make me insecure and doubt his feelings for me; still, not much of a change. I am beginning to wonder if maybe he’s not as good a listener as I initially thought he was, as when I bring something to him, there is acknowledgement but little to no changed behaviour. I have tried leading by example.
It doesn’t seem like there is anything else to do; perhaps this is something I just put up with. Inevitably though, it disappoints me, and it has made me hold back more now myself, as I don’t want to keep putting as much effort in if my partner isn’t, especially after I’ve told him. I honestly just wish we had taken everything slower.
tl;dr Believe boyfriend of about 2.5 months is getting complacent in our relationship already and not planning dates without by asked. Have tried explaining how this makes me feel but to no avail. However, in every other way he is incredible
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* This article was originally published here
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