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Sunday, March 13, 2022

My mum has developed learned helplessness. Advice please?

Hello all, I'm a 30f who has to run to my mum's (57) aid constantly. I am an only child.

If you peek at my history you'll see we have a turbulent relationship but mostly okay now. She is currently going through a divorce with my dad and I am dealing with most of it. I've found since trying to get information from her for lawyers that she has buried her head in the sand all her life basically.

Recently between helping me plan a wedding and her getting a divorce she can't cope with anything. She messaged me today saying she was freaking our because she thinks her roof has leaked (no major damage but obviously a cause for concern). She was saying how this'll cost her thousands and she doesn't know how to cope. I told her she had home insurance (that I helped her set up even) so to look at her policy.

She had no idea where her policy was. I reminded her it's a website and all online and we even wrote down her password in a book to remember. She eventually got onto the website but then didn't read it, instead sending me screenshots asking me if I think it covered what she was asking for, it did.

She then told me she is going to call some local person to look at it. I told her no call her insurance first as they may have companies/traders they deal with. My fiance stepped in at this point and called her to tell her what to do.

He called her and she was nearly in tears, asking a number of questions like "Can I send you a photo so you can tell me what to do?" [No, I won't know what I'm looking at, I'm neither a plumber nor a roofer], "Should I phone a repair company?" [No, phone your insurance company first], "How can I phone my insurance if I work all the time (i.e. 30 hours a week)" [They have 24/7 contact numbers for emergencies], "What if they ask me a question and I don't know how to answer?" [The most they'll ask you is for your policy number so they can look up your details], "What if they ask me a question about my policy? I don't understand it!", [Why would they ask you anything like that? It's their policy, they'll have all the info they need]. She gradually broke down in to more tears before saying "I'll just say bye and hang up!!" and hung up on him.

I know she'll have been wanting me to come to the rescue, but I am already dealing with my wedding, her divorce (I'm the main contact for that) and also having to sell my house so she can keep hers.

Earlier last year I cracked and got myself into therapy, which helped me massively. My mum does not know about it because she is dead fast against it, believing people don't need to know her problems (but will gladly dump every stress or problem onto me) and thinks it doesn't work. I've even told her I'll give her the books I have that were therapy recommended and she'll flat out say she won't read them.

I am at an absolute loss, I feel I am looking after a child. I know this is all just one instance, but stuff like this is becoming increasingly the norm.

If people have any advice I would massively appreciate it.

Thank you

Tl;dr My mum dumps all her problems onto me and expects me to fix it all.

submitted by /u/heilig_story
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* This article was originally published here

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