Earlier this year I had an opportunity of mine to see an ex at a bar he worked at, let’s call him Tom. Tom was a terrible partner but we had 8 years of on and off serious history and despite the fact a lot of it was bad he remains a very big part of my past. I had a lot of therapy following the breakup over the year after it stopped and have very much moved on in my life until he reached out.
Due to the nature of our relationship and how things ended I wasn’t comfortable seeing him alone at the bar he worked at and thought I’d run it by my best friend, let’s call her Louise. She offered to come with me and we would sit outside with our dogs and only really see him while he was serving so I could get whatever sort of closure I was looking for but so that I wouldn’t feel unsafe around him and I could use her as an excuse to leave. All in all everything was pleasant but after I left I had no intention of having contact again.
A few weeks later Louise causally mentions she was talking to Tom about a party she went to which completely blindsided me, I was curious as to why she had been talking to him as they had no reason to even be connected on social media and she made up an excuse about having some mutual friends. A few more weeks go by and it doesn’t get mentioned at all until all of a sudden it seems like every conversation Louise is bringing up Tom. At this stage I reiterate a TLDR version of the hell he put me through and advised that maybe he’s not someone she needs to maintain a friendship with and that it makes me uncomfortable hearing about him so much, but ultimately they’re both adults.
Apparently this wasn’t clear enough as a few weeks later she is still mentioning him and my old friend group and sharing stories to which I acknowledge yes I know all of these people they were in my life for years and hearing her talk about them and Tom made me very uncomfortable and that I wasn’t okay with her being friends with him or dating him. Louise says that she understands and that she will end it because I made it very clear that it would cost our friendship as I’m not okay with him being in my life even in the sidelines and she lets slip after much prodding that they were already sleeping together but that it would stop because she has too much respect for me to hurt me like that.
Louise starts dating her plan b and seems happy but in a conversation when we are hanging out I recommend she think about if she actually has feelings for him or if she’s just settling and using him as she seems very apathetic about their dates. After this I get a novel of a message from Louise after we had just finished hanging out. It outlined that despite my boundaries she wanted to continue to continue seeing Tom since she didn’t have real feelings for plan b but she hoped I could be happy for them. I tell her that our friendship is over because I don’t want Tom in my life and go scorched earth on social media.
The next day I get a message from h r saying she needs me in her life and she already misses me so much and that no matter if I let her back in or don’t she will get Tom out of her life because of the respect she has for me and our friendship.
I replied saying I needed to sleep on it and today I get a message saying she’s going to drop something off, and while I’m eating dinner she does. It’s a photo album of all of our adventures with our dogs and the last page says she wishes we can fill up with more memories. I take o a moment to process and send her a message thanking her for the book and asking how Tom took the friendship ending. She said she didn’t do it but she loves me so much and wants me back in her life despite dating Tom. I replied with no uncertain terms that the friendship is dead.
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* This article was originally published here
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