I have been with my girlfriend for a few years.
The topic of kids has come up a few times throughout our relationship. I have always stated that I don't want kids now and that I'm not sure if I will want them in the future. She has never had a problem with this that she has expressed to me.
I am starting to think that she may not have taken me seriously when I said I wasn't sure if I would want them. My opinion hasn't changed; I am still unsure as to whether or not I want kids. I see it as a very important decision that I don't want to make until I am absolutely sure, and I simply don't know if I ever will be.
The topic came up late last night and continued a bit today. She has suddenly expressed to me that though she also doesn't want kids now, but she is 100% certain that she will want kids in the future because it's the "normal" thing to do. She also said it's "just traditional" and asked me "What would your parents think if you told them?" I said they would probably be disappointed but they'd understand it's my decision. I think this is true.
She has also said that my opinion is "too unstable" — I think she just can't handle that I am unsure about the topic and wants a concrete answer right now.
Finally, she called me "selfish" and "self-centred" because I don't know if I want children. She can't explain why she thinks this, she just does. She is concerned that we might get to our 30s or so and I still won't want kids, and this would be "wasting [her] time".
Actually, I completely understand that. I can't see the future; I just don't know how I'll feel in a few years. Also, as a man, my biological clock is obviously far, far less of a factor than hers. Since she is 100% certain that she wants kids, it *is* a waste of her time to stay with me. I understand and respect her opinion in wanting kids at some point, I just don't share it. The idea of tradition doesn't mean much to me.
The thing I take issue with is that she called me "selfish". I really don't think that's the case. I'm not above giving up my time and energy for someone else; I do it for us frequently, and I really don't begrudge that at all. I value our relationship and try to put work into it. I just think that kids are a far bigger investment of love, care, time, and money, etc. Raising kids basically *becomes* your life for at least a decade. I don't feel an urge to sacrifice everything else in my life for that.
To be honest though, I don't hold strong opinions about rising populations & humanity's impact on the Earth, though I understand that this could be a huge factor in why others might decide to go child-free. This may be one way in which I could be considered "selfish" — my reasons for not knowing whether I want children *are* personal, rather than societal.
However, I still see the benefits to having kids. I do think it could be great to raise a child, see them grow, share my hobbies with them, see myself reflected in them to some degree, etc...
Anyway, my girlfriend and I live together and I love her, but I don't want to waste her time either. I feel like we're circling the drain at the moment with other recent arguments about unrelated topics, and a breakup may be inevitable.
I just wanted to get this off my chest and maybe ask for advice as to how I can deal with this. I suppose I'm also looking for validation that I'm not actually a selfish person, or at least that it's okay to be selfish, or something...
TL;DR: Although I have always been honest about my uncertainty around having children, my girlfriend seems not to have taken my opinion seriously all this time. She thinks I'm being selfish and that I might be wasting her time. I feel that she is casting a lot of judgement on me about this and I feel pretty upset and bad about it.
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* This article was originally published here
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