Hi. Burner. I have a problem.
I've known I'm a lesbian for years now, pretty much since I was 14. Men never really attracted me, and I've always been treated better by girls than by men, and since I've been aware about my lesbianism for the longest time, I've started noticing how different it is to be around women who love men than around lesbians.
With lesbians, I can always be sure I'm in a safe space. No men around, and it's always guaranteed I won't have men forced into my life ib any capacity. Lesbians treat women as people, and can separate us from men, which many straight, bi and pan girlies unfortunately tend to have a problem doing. (If you're het, bi or pan and you don't, congratulations. I'm not talking about you.)
In one of these safe spaces, I've found a girl I've gradually shifted closer to. We've bonded mostly through mutual respect and separation from men, through our shared worldviews and love for deconstructing the world around us. I've always found safety in knowing she would never put me in potential danger of bringing a man into our lives and that comforted me immensely.
We got together 2 and half years ago. A week ago, she came out to me as bisexual.
Now, let me just explain something really quick to people who aren't lesbians and aren't familiar with the lesbian experience. The LGBTQIA community is meant to be a safe space from homophobia which comes from homophobic straight people. But lesbian community is at even higher risk - not only are we threated by homophobia, we tend to also be threatened by men. And by extension, very often we're also victims of people attracted to them, often because these people suffer from internalized misogyny. And even though that makes them victims too, that changes nothing at how poorly it causes them to treat lesbians, since we're the only sexuality that doesn't effectively prioretize men in this patriarchal society.
This, among other identities, includes bisexuals. And bi women in the area where I live aren't particularly friendly, so forgive me if my experience is different from those of other gay people.
So, picture this. After years of constant support and safety within lesbian spaces, you suddenly lose all of that. Suddenly you can't bond over lesbianism with your girlfriend because she's busy thinking about men. Suddenly your safe space is no longer a safe space for people who separate themselves from homophobic men - suddenly, you learn that years of love and praise from your girlfriend were a lie, and she actually puts you -a lesbian- on the exact same level she'd put a man on. Suddenly you're no better than a man in her eyes. It probably doesn't sound bad to most people, but to me as a lesbian separatist, it's absolutely dehumanizing.
This is how I felt the first two or three days after she came out to me. So I started browsing various subreddits on my main to find anyone who might have had a similar problem before I go to my therapist with this. I didn't find a lot, and most posts were from people who either came out as bi afterwards, or suffered some prior issues with abuse from men. I'd prefer answers from lesbians - any lesbian, with or without prior experience with bi women in relationships.
To clarify, I haven't been abused by men OUTWARDLY. But as years went, I've watched my lesbian friends constantly be harassed by men, belittled by them and discriminated against in favor of men or people who are attracted to them. And knowing I live in a world where I can start being treated like shit by anyone who puts them on a pedestal has not been easy for me.
TL;DR, I'm angry. I'm heartbroken, I feel lied to, I feel like my own girlfriend is putting me in danger of being treated like shit by men. I feel like I've wasted two years trying to bond over my experiences with someone who secretly never agreed with them. And I want to sort my feelings out and get an outside perspective from people who have had this problem before.
What do I do about this?
(English isn't my first language, I'm so sorry for any possible mistakes.)
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* This article was originally published here
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