i (25f) don’t know how to get out of this relationship with him (32m)

i (25f) don’t know how to get out of this relationship with him (32m)

disclaimer: been in therapy for 3 years now and still actively doing sessions.

I’m in a relationship with a serial cheater and liar, it’s been 6 months. I found out about the cheating and lying a month ago a couple weeks before moving back home and graduating. so i put the conversation in pause until i moved home and so for the last two weeks we’ve been arguing non stop. he said he’s never been completely in love with me this entire time but thinks he can get to that point so needs more time and REALLY wants to be with me now that i’m moved home. it’s totally horse shit and i have absolutely zero respect left and no desire to stay in this relationship.

but

I just graduated so i’m utterly broke and in student debt, don’t have a job or know what i’m gonna do with my life, i don’t really have any friends. i live at home with my parents.

last time i ended things with my previous ex when i was without a job or life purpose or any friends (peak corona time) the grief was too much for me to handle. i had depression that led to one suicide attempt. the only thing that helped me out of it was when my ex started talking to me again and then when i found a new guy to start seeing.

i tried ending things with my boyfriend last week but couldn’t last even two days without him. i immediately started to miss him and the walls of reality closed in on me. I feel lonely and completely isolated.

So i know i’m pathetic and i have no spine but i went back.

It felt good for a moment but i immediately got smacked with intense jealousy and suspiciousness. i’m constantly anxious and snooping and on edge. the other day i had a panic attack for no reason. haven’t had one of those since the start of the pandemic.

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. on one end i have the anxiety of being with someone i don’t trust and know doesn’t love me, and on the other it’s loneliness and isolation and potentially a long season of depression

i know in the long term i need to work on my attachment issue and dependence on men to fulfill me emotionally but that’s not something that changes over night. so for now idk how to get through this.

if anyone here has ever had a similar experience i’d love to hear some advice

TLDR: stuck in a toxic relationship bc my life sucks without him what should i do

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