My boyfriend loves me. Most of the time I think I love him too. But I keep getting hit with waves of doubt and anxiety, followed by waves of confidence and calm.

TL;DR; I think I might be avoidantly attached and I'm scared I'm going to let my anxiety and doubt ruin a great relationship, please help 😅

My bf (24m) and I (24f) have been officially together for 5 months, preceded by a weird will they/won't they period of 4 months in which we went on a first date, I said let's be friends, one thing led to another and we decided to date. So I've known him for a good 9 months at this point.

He is great. He loves me - we've both said it - he adores me, is very happy as far as I know, and is cautiously excited about our future.

Somehow, he is so perfectly attuned to me and what I need. I'll think about getting up to do something and sometimes he's already doing it for me. He always puts in effort, is always keen to spend time with me, both at home and making plans to go out. He follows through on all the "what ifs". He keeps it healthy, he has his own friends that he makes time to see independent of me. He is silly and ridiculous in the same way as me, we do stupid things together and nothing I do embarrasses him, instead he embraces it and gives it right back. Sex is great, he genuinely cares about making it good for both of us. Went from never finishing with my ex to having like a 90% success rate with my bf.

And yet I'm still anxious. About a month ago, I started having some painful doubts. Like, I don't think he's handsome, I don't look at him and think "beautiful", instead it's an affectionate "how silly". And sometimes when he's being silly, I get irritated, like "why is he like this, why can't he just be normal?!" While other times I don't give a damn. I worry that he's too keen, more than I am, and because I think I don't match the depth of his feelings I get anxious about saying "I love you" because it might not mean to me what it means to him.

I struggle to imagine us in the future. I don't have much idea of what it will be but he doesn't quite fit the picture perfect hallmark movie life that I just assumed would eventually be attainable if I just worked hard enough. (But in the flipside, I can't imagine any aspect of my future right now. There's a lot going on, uni just finished, working part time, planning a trip, preparing to start full time work, possibly working away for three months) Hanging out with his family is triggering, I think from the fear of making and losing again the relationship I had with my ex's family. It gives me more fear for the future.

Last time, everything was easy, I had no idea what I was jumping into. Now I know the pain of heartbreak, of having to start again, there's things to fear.

I've talked about this with my psychologist, we've discussed the possibility of my having an anxious-avoidant attachment style. You find yourself noticing the flaws and wanting to run away so you can find the perfect partner, but that perfection doesn't exist or probably isn't even what you want. You focus on it with intensity, it consumes you, and it ruins relationships that could be great if you aren't aware and don't handle it properly. I am just generally an anxious person, possibly could be medicated but I'm scared to go down that route so young when I could try other things.

And I feel like I do this a lot, I ruin things by stressing about them not being perfect- friendships, experiences. But then, am I just latching on to an explanation to avoid the dreaded idea that we might not be suited? Except I know that we are, we get on really well, have even had an acquaintance who is a relationship counsellor comment on it.

I don't know, my brain starts thinking and then it starts spiralling and I forget all my reasons for doing anything other than running away somewhere and hiding.

This has turned into me pouring out my anxieties to Reddit. I guess I'd love to know people's thoughts. Especially if you have any experience or advice for someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment style who wants to make their relationship work. And yeah I know there's various different names for this, this is what my psychologist used when she explained the origins and what they were and how they worked.

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