Me (m20) and my gf (f19) have been together a couple years now, with the first year not having sex (both virgins) and the last year and a half or so with sex. The problem is that I always want to do it more than her, everyday, even several times a day, and she doesn’t. I actually don’t fully know how much she would want to if I never initiated, haven’t been able to fully see how long it could go, but I think in all the times we have done it, she hasn’t once been the one to really initiate it. I have discussed this with her with no change. I mean like every step of the way it is usually me, but occasionally she will ask if I want to, but this is after we have literally been already kissing and groping or whatever for a while to where it’s obvious(that I almost certainly started.) And I would say we do it probably 25% of the time I ask if she wants to and far less recently as we’ve both been a little busier and fighting more. Another thing is she is basically unwilling to try anything besides regular sex, usually missionary position only. I can convince her to get on top, facing me, for a little while but that’s it. She usually always refuses to try other positions I want her to, and has never once let us try a bj or let me go down on her, despite lots of asking and discussions.
A couple things about this I find weird, and I kind of want to know if there’s a possibility of her being asexual? Or possibly just a very low drive? 1. She actually told me early on after we started trying to do it that she never thought about sex until we started discussing trying it.(I brought it up obviously.) Naturally I was like “oh yeah, like just didn’t think about it too much? Or like you mean you didn’t know what to fully expect right?” No, she clarified that she never once thought about or was curious about the idea of sex EVER until I literally discussed it with her. Never once watched any porn, touched herself, or even just imagined it. I kinda also feel like this goes along with this but the whole first 3-4 times we tried it literally just didn’t work, like straight up wouldn’t go in. And there was plenty buildup and kissing and such, and she acted like she was into it, but kind of weird.
- She has never had an orgasm. I try and do what I think helps her feel good, I have asked several times for her to communicate with me about what could work or not with no avail, and it’s like, it just doesn’t really happen. I have definitely been closer some times than others, but never all the way. And I am a decent above average size, I can last for 20+ minutes with a little focus and if it hasn’t been forever, and I am more than willing to try using my hand or going down on her etc to try to help her since I know penetrative sex alone doesn’t allow even a majority of women to finish by itself, but she always refuses. Except there is a weird phenomenon where she gets grumpy after I finish. Like, genuinely just gets agitated and in a worse mood fairly often right after we get done. Is that not sexual frustration from not reaching climax?? She swears it’s not, and says it’s nothing I do wrong, but like with healthy sex that’s not the correct feeling one should get afterward no? But yet still nothing else to help her further is allowed. And I mean in my logic, I can imagine frequently having sex only to basically edge and not finish… every time. And I would certainly feel grumpy afterward, AND want to do it far less often, so kinda seems like that’s potentially a root of the problem but idk.
Finally just some other little details that feel weird to me and kind of want to know if I have sort of been on both extremes or what. My last and first gf before her was very much the opposite in this way. I had absolutely no difficulty believing that I was very much wanted in that way. I used to believe that I needed to wait for marriage, and it being my first gf I was extremely shy and inexperienced, so we never actually had sex because of my choice. But she led me out of my shell, and thinking back to how she acted and the difference between the two makes it seem unreal. An example was one of the first couple times she was over to my house, she had no problem straight up making out with me just in the living room even with people home in different rooms. She literally led me into my bedroom she had never been in before, locked my door herself, and just jumped on my bed on top of me and grinded on me, took off my shirt and hers, etc. she frequently brought up sex and various sexual questions, was frequently touching me, etc and just overall was obviously horny and very attracted to me like that. Fast forward to with my new gf I had to eventually plan after the first couple times she was over to my house. We’re talking MONTHS into dating, and I literally put some random stuff on the recliner to block up the single seat and then just fiddled with the tv for long enough for her to sit down on the sectional first so I could have a chance to put my arm around her or something. And like this initial shyness was very cute to me and I was fine with being that person to get her out of her shell eventually, but the transfer to equal initiation and stuff never came. Finally it’s like I have friends who tell me that with their gfs they just straight up gave them bjs without even asking the first time and stuff and it’s like ??? Idk am I just unfortunately experiencing an unlucky series of two extremes? Thoughts?
Tl;dr: Gf doesn’t ever think about sex and rarely if ever initiates and doesn’t want to most times I do. Also refuses to try basically anything other than missionary even when she has never had an orgasm, plus then gets agitated and in a grumpy mood after sex and denies there’s any problem at all. Frustrating thinking back to my ex and other girls who are very much the opposite and has me wondering whether I’m with someone asexual or what could be done to remedy this.
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