tl;dr: my last relationship has ended ages ago and i still compare myself to the new girl and how she is better than me.
this is a throwaway. hello everyone. its kind of an existential question but im 24[f] now and as far back as i can remember i have CRAVED attention from men. i only felt worthy when a man gave me attention. when i was younger it felt good to have a man care for me like he was my father. it goes without saying that my father wasnt very present my whole life. fast forward to 20 years old. i get into my very first relationship. i didnt love him but forced myself to. he ended it and i spiralled. spiralled as in lost weight and felt terrible and disgusting about myself for a good three months. i started hooking up with guys to ‘sexually relieve myself’ but ended up way too attached. got into a new relationship two years later and felt like some of my needs were met but i wanted to be around him all the time and he broke it off. we only lasted 5/6 months. needless to say i spiralled off a lot more than last time. a few months after the breakup i found out he had started dating a girl a month after the breakup. i started getting obsessed with her. stalking her everywhere and asking myself how shes better than me. i dont have to tell you that my self esteem is terrible. i need that validation to ‘exist’ which is to be fair very exhausting and honestly disgusting. im tired of this cycle. of how i compare myself to the new girl like any person’s opinion of me matters. but it does matter so much to me. im tired of men trying to talk to me because they see the outside visually appealing and when they get to know me and find out im not as intimidating as i seemed and i am in fact very loving and caring they run away. ive been doing therapy since the breakup but its been so long and im not changing. i even got into a thing with a guy that ghosted me after he slept with me a few times. if you’re going to tell me i have to love myself, i agree, but tell me HOW to do it please.
edit: all the men i dated and hooked up with were my age or a year older.
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