I am in such a bitter mood this morning.
My life sucks. I'm turning 35 soon and feel I still have nothing to show for it. I'm unmarried, not even dating anyone or having an active sex life, no kids, never been pregnant, still not a homeowner, my beloved car that I financed and paid off in full got totaled last year (I have a different car now but it's not the same, isn't even a color I like), and the only thing decent is my meh job that doesn't even require the 4-year college degree I have, is far away, and is very stressful and not nearly as inclusive of me in their workplace as my last job with the same company (at a different location) was. I am NOT looking forward to turning 35, at all.
My lack of kids definitely hasn't been due to a lack of trying. When I was 24, I started seeking out a man who would be marriage material and who wanted to have a serious relationship in hopes I could work toward getting married and then having kids. At 25 I thought I met such a guy. He was about 11 years older, great nice guy, great math-related job, homeowner, etc. Very geeky but I was perfectly okay with that and considered it a good thing, especially in terms of my serious-minded goals. As it turned out, he acted mature but when it came to relationship milestones was immature and noncommittal. Although he was very nice and my parents liked him a lot, I ended up feeling strung along for over 2 years. Meanwhile, my closest friends admitted and hinted that he wasn't into the whole having kid thing and that he just wanted to keep living his single life and enjoying his freedom (hmmm explains why he didn't stand up for himself to his job when they kept sending him on all these faraway business trips for weeks at a time, grrr), so eventually because I wanted kids and marriage and he didn't, we mutually broke up. I thought at least this would give me the freedom to find someone more compatible and willing to do the things I wanted. Instead, I ended up lonely and struggling in the dating world.
In my efforts to try and find a guy to actually want to have kids with me, I settled and accepted someone who didn't quite meet all the checkboxes, a guy I was set up with through my then-male BFF. The areas he was lacking, he was several years younger than me and he had a past criminal conviction. We got along great at first and I was determined not to screw it up, even being overly patient with certain relationship milestones (e.g., sex) because I thought if I gave in too soon, I might set myself up to get used or seen as short-term material only. Almost a year in, I THOUGHT things were going good and that we were trying for a baby and engaged-to-be-engaged but he became distant, dumped me, and then after we got back together half a year later, horrifically serial cheated on me and impregnated a younger, thinner girl...a girl who ironically was the same age I was when I first decided I felt mentally ready to have kids and settle down, 24. I was seething and outraged. By the time I found out about the affair baby and other girl, we'd already been broken up for months but that just made it worse because I wasn't able to dramatically confront him or really show him what he deserved, plus the insult and pain of knowing how many people who I thought were my friends who probably hid this affair from me.
Years later, I finally started speaking to my family again (I distanced myself when they continually treated me in a condescending manner because I didn't have kids, acting like I was naive to life while simultaineuosly telling me I wasn't ready for kids even though I had cousins and siblings who'd had kids by that age or even younger). I also got talking to my extended family and cousins and got very close to a cousin who's my age minus 1-2 years. She was still unmarried and childless in her early 30s too. When I finally confided in her my decision to do artificial insemination with donor sperm, she freaked out on me and ended our friendship, called me selfish, said I was stupid to willfully get pregnant out of wedlock, etc. As it turned out, she was a total deceptive hypocrite. She ended up getting pregnant by trying/intentionally with her BF only a few months later, then hiding the pregnancy from me until the very end, then not inviting me to her baby shower yet inviting both my sisters. She had her baby in November and nobody in the family bothered to tell me until I started questioning my immediate family members about it more than a month later at Christmas time, then they told me but were curt about it and tried to change the subject. I feel so left out because I don't have kids.
And now, on top of everything else, I find out that the young little blonde who had my toxic cheater XBF's baby, is now ENGAGED and awaiting her wedding date by a much better guy! Even though older strangers on sites like survivinginfidelity told me XBF would never stay by her, he actually ended up surprising everyone by doing a 180 and being a loyal BF and involved dad. He moved her and the kid into his big house (which he had bought years earlier far below market value with an inheritance, back when the market was VERY good for home buying) and they, who started as a sl**ty one night stand, became an actual couple. She stayed with him for over 2 yrs until she apparently broke up with him and moved out. I admit I followed their pages for a while because I was curious how their lives were turning out after this and if the people from survivinginfidelity were right that they'd eventually "crash n burn" figguratively or not, as I didn't want to see them keep doing great when I was floundering in my own life. She left him and while it seemed she was fine being single afterwards, she started dating again somewhat quickly and less than a year later, was in the relationship she's in now, with a taller, better looking, slightly older guy who seems to be a better catch than XBF. He has a kid too from a previous relationship so isn't this the perfect little stepfamily situation (rolls eyes). Of course they ended up engaged within a normal engagement timeline of slightly less than 2 years, and now they have a summer wedding and online registry. I'm upset because she acted in ways my mom and grandmother always told me that would never lead to guys taking you seriously or wanting to marry you, i.e. unprotected sex with a one night stand she met at a bar party, yet in the end SHE'S getting married, and I'm not! How unfair is that?!
WHY does it seem that even though I do all the right things, I get left behind in the dust?? And before you tell me to "love myself", "date myself", "marry myself", etc let me tell you, I've tried the artificial insemination thing on my own and so far it hasn't worked, and I would buy a house on my own but apparently I make nowhere near enough money especially with sky high house price inflation these days. Attempts to bring in paying roommates in the spare room of my apartment to cut expenses so I can save up for a house has also backfired in my face, BADLY, to the point that they not only became two-faced deadbeats on their rent, but one guy insisted on staying as an unpaying squatter and then was found DEAD in my apartment. I feel like every effort I make to get ahead is just one step forward three steps back. What can I do to propel MY life forward and find love for once?
TL/DR: It is highly unfair that the AP who got impregnated by my XBF while I was still technically with him gets to go on to have a great life and trade up for a better guy than XBF who she is now marrying this summer, while I'm stuck striking out in the dating world and struggling to get things in my life. What can I do to improve MY life?
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* This article was originally published here
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