Hey guys, so this is my first time ever asking for a relationship advice but I feel like I really don't know what should I do.
TL;DR: Casual Tinder date has turned into mixed signals party and I'm considering ending it up but I need an advice before I decide.
So I (F24) am in a non-exclusive relationship with a guy (M30) I've met on Tinder a few months ago. It's my first non-exclusive relationship as I've just figured recently that this is better for me now than setting strict rules as I have quite a tendency to ignore red flags. For a little bit of a background, I'm working with a therapist for 3 years now and also have meds to support so just to say that I have my issues and I really do try my best to recognise them. I have also ended a 3yrs partnership almost a year ago that was exhausting because I felt like I don't have any space for myself in it, because my partner was literally all the time next to me.
So that's all a bit new and now I feel that I really need some advice from you people.
To the point then. We've met on Tinder, then we've seen each other in the café, it has just sparked and my side of a responsible adult has lost the fight. It was great, he had texted me that the memories from the night helped him get through the days at work and that he cannot wait to see me again. So far I have articulated that I don't know what I am looking for on Tinder which is true, because now I'm mostly looking after myself. He was alright with that and hasn't said anything clear from his side.
We've met a few times, I was just up to have some fun. He's been texting me everyday. After I started to feel that there's a chance I will engage emotionally, I told him that. Stated that it was to meet him etc. but I started to like him and I figured I want more from a relationship than just some fun in bed especially if it's supposed to last longer than few meetups. Also I said that I'm ok with casual hookups for a while but now this has to be over because I cannot afford to be hurt and I feel like it might go that way if we keep seeing each other.
We went into a light argument where he said he doesn't want exclusive but hasn't been seeing our relationship just as a temporary fun and he wants to get to know me better too. I admitted I assumed this is not what I expected of him but he was definitely giving me the hints before that he's not gonna be emotionally into it. Ended up that we've talked a bit and he has assured me that we can also do other stuff together too and just be friends either. I told him that it's cool but I don't want to wake up someday realising he doesn't even want me around because the s*x is done.
This conversation has taken place a few weeks ago, and now let's jump back to the present. We've kept seeing each other and I constantly feel that something is off. I love to spend my time with himself but I keep dating outside of that now as he was the one to say he doesn't want exclusive and I want to keep my mind busy.
We don't meet too often and last time we had almost 2 weeks of break, but have been planning the weekend together at his house. We've been speaking specifically about hanging out Friday and Saturday. I was supposed to come Friday night and stay Saturday. And well, it was all good until Saturday morning when he has started telling me that we can no longer do the w33d vapes "because he will be doing his name stuff soon and he's gotta be focused. I said "oh ok, then I will just wait until I'm fit enough to drive and go".
Then he has ordered some food and we've been chilling on the couch, he has reminded me several times he's got this stuff to do, hasn't told me what was that but he said he's gotta be focused. I'm like ok this is getting weird and I said that I really will be going soon, not asking for explanations. Then he has cuddled up with me and fallen asleep for two hours leaving me thinking what tf is going on.
After he has woken up he has all of sudden gotten up, all serious, saying he's going to do his stuff now. I was confused as I've napped for a short bit too.
I've gotten up, went to the bathroom to wash my face and he wasn't around anymore. I've packed my stuff, called a friend and went straight to meet them, not even telling the guy that I'm leaving because I felt like I'm bothering him enough already anyway?
Then he has texted me that it was fun to see me and I said that was nice to see him too but it'd be better if I wasn't feeling like he wants me gone asap. He said that I didn't even say "goodbye" but hasn't tried pushing that anymore when I reminded him that he's just basically told me to leave and then dissappeared so what was he expecting? Then we went into an argument where he said that he's just going to see his friends now and he didn't mean to make me feel that way. I told him then well that's a shame that I thought we're gonna be hanging out Friday and Saturday because that's what we were speaking about all week before and he said he didn't mean it that way and that he really likes to spend his time with me and that we just must've misunderstood each other.
Now, I know my view is crooked by very manipulative environment from my past and that I often do misread people's intentions. I have just felt disappointed and like I was right not to trust into his feelings since the very beginning as I also often underline that I appreciate honesty and being open towards me. He has been all mysterious about this "his stuff" until after our meeting when I told him I'm feeling that way. I've also told him that I wouldn't be doing vapes this day at all if he's told me before. Also I feel like repeating it several times wasn't necessary? He knew I was still a bit boozed because that was what our Saturday was supposed to be like. He said he'd be happy to hang out longer if he knew (?). For sake of reliability of my own memory I've checked the messages and Saturday has been clearly stated several times.
And now I'm conflicted. I'm not a person who will be on someone's head unless I'm genuinely sure they want me around. I have my own anxiety so it wouldn't have even let me stay outside of my home for longer time than 24h. During an argument I said that I don't need to feel that way and that I don't think this is gonna work anymore. He seems not to notice because he's already wanting to plan our next meeting.
Now I'm keeping my messages short, maybe one or two sentences daily. He seems to try to make a conversation and it hasn't been that clear before.
I feel like I shouldn't be engaging any further. I don't know if I'm overreacting or if it's a reasonable point and that destabilizes me. But there's this one thing that I'm sure of, which is I don't usually feel that way around people I want to make any type of a bond with. The guy gives me bunches of mixed signals, but other than that he's the only person that makes my heart go a bit faster now.
Oh damn, I definitely need an advice because at this point I really want him, but it's not too late to back off. This would hurt but maybe that'd be the best thing to do? Or maybe there's something I'm not seeing?
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* This article was originally published here
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