I had a very abusive childhood and my family is out of the picture. People were always fascinated by my life story and called me strong and brave for getting through it. I’ve felt validated by that attention which is why I think I’ve turned it into a part of my identity. I keep bringing my past up as soon as I feel it’s socially the right time when I meet new people, but it’s especially bad when I’m drunk as I tend to overshare too soon and sometimes I try to talk about the most terrible things to get a reaction out of people for attention. I’ve realized that I do this to come off as more interesting and to make people feel protective over me to force a closer relationship with them.
I’ve had a bf for about a year now and I’ve realized that I’m not even myself around him. I talk in a baby voice, I act ditzy and dumber than I am like a ”damsel in distress”. It’s caused a weird dynamic between us where if I do something wrong, he’ll be afraid to adress it to me because he’s afraid of hurting my feelings.
I can tell that he’s in his head while having sex with me because he’s trying to be so gentle that he’s not enjoying himself, and even though he knows I like it more rough I’m too shy to be more active and engaging in bed so I end up being passive which makes him feel weird.
Because my family is out of the picture I tend to have my whole life revolve around my boyfriend too, while he has a lot going on with his family, career and friends.
I know I need therapy, but I can’t afford it. Please tell me how to stop acting like this. I hate it. I just want to be myself and not make the people I love prisoners of my own victim mentality.
Everyone around me only see my past when they look at me… And I’ve made it that way, even though I live a safe stable life now.
Is there anything I can tell my boyfriend to backtrack this whole dynamic I’ve created and make our relationship healthy? And how do I act right moving forward? I’ve had so many previous relationships end because of this.
Tl;dr : I identify with my past traumatic events and make my bf want to protect me and feel bad for me even though I feel better now, and it’s causing him to be afraid of critizising me, having open communication and enjoying sex with me.
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* This article was originally published here
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