My (32F) friend (35F) and I were talking this evening after dinner about our relationship history over the last year. She met the love of her life in June and is planning on having a child with him in the next 2 years, an unprecedented change for her from being avowedly child free for most of her life. As I listened to her talk about what that mental shift was like, I realized why I was so devastated over a short-lived relationship I'd had last year.
I had really wanted to have children with him. And I'd never had that feeling with anyone else. I knew he didn't love me the way I needed, and even though he ended the relationship with me, I cut him off for good after he reestablished contact because of this. But I was in touch with the fact that he did love me after a fashion, and that his life situation was conducive to having and raising children. I had watched him with his family and his 7yo cousin, and felt the "urge" for the first time in my life - including a former marriage to a man who, on paper at least, was perfect father material. Never felt the urge with him, and felt like I dodged a bullet when that marriage ended.
But yeah, I never wanted kids until I met that man this summer. I'm back to not wanting kids now. Closing the door on that relationship forever really felt like saying no to a completely different version of me. I almost felt like I could have chosen that life for a second, one where I wasn't loved in the way I needed or wanted, but one where I became a mother. It was frighteningly easy to see myself just accept the love he could give and flip a switch in my brain. I'd had a vision in my head the first night we slept together of me being heavily pregnant and pushing, and of him letting me squeeze his hand. It was absolutely indelible and profound.
But I said no to that vision. Over the last few months I've been realizing that I'm in love with a friend of mine (42M) and that he's in love with me. He loves me in the way that I need, in the way I've been longing for. I don't want kids with him, not really, not in the same way I wanted them with the ex. But I believe now that love is more important than having children. I won't have to choose like that ever again hopefully - but if I do, I know what I'll choose. Every minute of every day. That love fills me and completes me in such a way that I don't need children.
I get why women choose having children with an imperfect man whose love is either warped or non-existent, though. I almost did. It's tempting to feel that a baby will make up for what you're missing from your partner.
No regrets about my choice. But women who decide the other way... I feel you.
tl;dr it's hard to prioritize a perfect love over the possibility of having a baby with a good enough man, I get it now
[link] [comments]
* This article was originally published here
No comments:
Post a Comment