It’s been close to 15 years since I (M42) stopped seeing her (F/47). I was out blowing off steam from the work week with the boys. Out at the bar having a few beers and laughs. This woman walks in with a friend. I don’t recall who said something but they stopped at our table and started talking. Drinks were bought for them and I hear, Im happily married but she’s not!! My ears perk up immediately like the idiot I was in my early 20s. So we end up dancing together. She is the most gorgeous woman I ever laid eyes on. I completely ignored the fact that she was married.
After the bar she comes to wear I am at having a few more beers. We end up just sitting in her car talking the rest of the night. We kissed for a while. The best kiss I’ve had to this day. I had never felt anything like it. Instant connection. So we basically end up in this full blown affair for 2 or so years. I finally end it because I decided enough is enough. She was never going to leave. It hurt like hell but it had to happen. Two weeks I guess later she filed for divorce. She started seeing other people as did it. I still thought about her more days than not. Fast forward. I’m married now with a ten year old daughter. She’s married again. When I started seeing my wife I cut all connectivity to her. Seemed fair to my wife I thought. Things have been not well with my marriage. She cheated for about a year seems like. We are trying to get over that. Then one day out of the blue I message the ex. I don’t know why. I just did. I didn’t really expect a response. But I was wrong. We have been talking back and forth most of the day now for a few weeks. I’m not this guy. I don’t do things to hurt people I care about. I didn’t want to be in an affair in the first place. But I’ll be damned if I dont still have feelings as strong as I ever did for this woman. I don’t know why or how but for some reason when it comes to me and her, nothing is off the table. I’ve never felt anything like this with another woman and I never will. I can’t stand the thought of hurting my wife even though she cheated. But I feel like it’s coming. Why after all this time do I find myself wanting the life I feel like I never got a fair shot at even though I already have this life I created? I’m miserable here and I know why but the guilt is eating me alive. I know I’m a piece of crap for all of it so spare me your judgement. I just want to understand how I can feel so strongly for someone I can’t have.
Tl;dr: I find myself still in love with my ex from 15 years ago and I don’t know why. It was a long affair from long ago but how I felt about her never changed. I hate that it will ruin my family but at the same time my family is already messed up from an affair my wife previously had. If you’d like to comment your opinion on the reason I feel this way then I suppose I welcome it. If not I would not have shared. I’m not sure if I did all this the right way. May not even be able to post it lol.
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