My husband (30M) and I (25F) recently got married after 5 years of LDR. We’re an interracial couple. He’s from Europe and I’m from Asia. Things were already pretty rocky before we even got married but it just seemed like the best decision at the time. We didn’t live together for more than 2 months prior to getting married. I love him still, don’t get me wrong. The problems in our relationship just seem to stack on top of each other. This will be a long retelling of our issues so get ready.
First, he’s been suffering from a plethora of illnesses since the start of the pandemic. He has photosensitivity (extremely eye sensitivity to light of any sort), misophonia (sound sensitivity) and just recently, he started having excruciating back pains. So you can already tell how much suffering he has endured for years now. I love him dearly, but he can’t control his reaction to everything. He gets heated up and critical about things. We can’t watch tv or even look at phone screens cause it’s too bright for him. I can’t make sudden noises cause it startles him and makes his ear painful. We don’t even have dinners at home because chewing sounds and cutleries hitting the plates trigger his misophonia. On top of that, he barely does the weight lifting in the house, literally. He can’t carry heavy stuff cause his back hurts so bad afterwards. Mind you, we live in a block of flats and we’re on the 5th floor so carrying stuff up and down the stairs can be a real struggle for him. These are all real pain and we’ve visited the doctors so many times. We don’t know why he has all these illnesses. It just came out of nowhere.
Second, I want to go home. I miss my family so much that it hurts. I moved from Asia to Europe to be with him and meet his family for the first time. This is my dream to be here and boy was I wrong. I didn’t know I would miss my mum so much. We’re really close and I miss our bond so much. I told him I wanted to settle down in my country, and he hated the idea. We got into this huge fight just last night. He told me I should just go home and be with my “mommy” as he sarcastically said it. He said that apparently being with my family for 24 years had not been enough for me and I should just be with my mum forever. He doesn’t understand the concept of being Asian and having really tight knit relationship with their families. Of course, I feel that it’s a bit selfish to ask that from him. He travelled 3 times to my country just to be with me when we were still LDR. He has sacrificed a lot – his job, his money, his life. And he said that he’s not dropping this flat that he loves so much and his life once again to appease me. It hurts a lot when he said that but I understand. He feels that he’s a failure for bringing me to Europe and I’m not even happy here. He said a lot of hurtful things and I did too. He wanted me to come back to my country to be with my mum but took it back when I finally gathered up the courage to call my family in the middle of the night. I seriously thought that was it. I thought we're done for.
Right now, I’m in shambles. I love this man a lot but this is not how I imagined it would be. I’m finally here in Europe where I dreamed I would be a few years ago. He said I don’t appreciate it enough and many people would want to be in my position. My heart is torn cause I just want to be with him and with my mum nearby. I want to have his love and comfort and my mum’s presence in my life. I surely sound like a mama’s girl right now but I can’t help but feel this way.
Another thing is that I wanna spend more time with him. We’re both introverts and work from home. I realized that me needing his company so much is my way of coping with the fact that I miss my family. I’ve lived with my mum and my sister all my life and I miss that feeling. I miss that there are people walking around the house but now it’s just the two of us, working in separate rooms. I told him that he doesn’t spend that much time with me, he doesn’t watch movies with me, he doesn’t have dinners with me and he took it as an offense. Telling me how insufficient I make him feel.
I know he tries. He’s sick and he can’t do all of that. I’m just tired of overthinking our relationship. I’m tired that I have to ask these things. Something in me silently wishes that the guy I dated in the first 3 years of our relationship would just come back, without all his illnesses. He was the kindest, most wonderful man, almost like a dream. Somewhere along the way, that guy disappeared, and I miss him so much.
I guess I also just wanted to rant here. I don’t tell anyone about our relationship problems. I also don’t have any friends that I can hang out with in this city. I don’t speak their language and I just feel like an alien here… I just want some clarity in all of this. Maybe some words of encouragement, maybe a way to fix this, or maybe just someone to tell me that I have to end it.
Tl/dr: Constantly fighting and marriage is slowly collapsing. I want to settle down in my home country but he wants to stay.
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* This article was originally published here
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