For the past two years I’ve (25M) been hanging out / started a deep friendship with a guy (27M). We have a lot in common, we have a great time and have good chemistry.
Very soon in our friendship we started hanging out a lot, we slept over and cuddled and overall I always felt that there was something else that I was feeling and I had the gut instinct that it was reciprocated.
Last year I came clean to him and told him I had romantic feelings towards him, he said he wasn’t ready for that conversation so I understood and shelved that for a while and stayed his friend.
A few months ago, after having a very deep conversation I confessed to him again that my feelings had not dissipated and I still liked him romantically. This time we did talk and he told me that he felt the same, that me being with him makes him a better person, that he also thinks we have a lot in common and that he wants to keep me forever in his life.
I ask him if he would be interested in going out on a date to try and see how we feel (we hang out alone but not in a date setting) and he agrees. When the date comes he acts distant, doesn’t want to answer any questions about our romantic feelings and overall feels cold. He ends up telling me that he doesn’t wanna hurt me because all his last relationships have ended because of his issues and basically told me that the minute I left his house the day we talked he realized he is not ready for a relationship.
I felt hurt but I understood. You can’t force anyone to love you. We hung out less because we got busy but still talked everyday. My romantic feelings are still there but I know I can’t act on them.
A few days ago we had another conversation about issues with his family and the future. He also told me that he started going out with / dating someone (I suspected it since he was acting weird) and that he was happy and liked the guy and wanted to let me know because he knew how I felt.
I said i’m okay because I can’t change his mind or make him like me and I appreciate him telling me, which is true. But it’s also true that I feel used or lied to. Why didn’t he tell me before that it was not that he wasn’t ready for a relationship but just that he didn’t want one with me?
I feel that I need to distance myself because seeing him post things with that guy makes me feel weird (so I don’t know if I would feel comfortable hanging out in a group setting with him). Don’t mistake me, I am happy for him because he deserves joy. But I also deserve peace.
Is it unfair that I want to distance myself from him? I still love him as a friend and I know that I don’t want a romantic relationship with him because this whole thing has hurt me deeply.
I just want to heal without finishing a friendship that makes me feel good (in the friend part, that is) Any advice?
TL;DR : Best friend / crush / guy I like romantically has told me he liked me but isn’t ready for a relationship. He started dating someone and I feel hurt. How can I distance without ending our friendship?
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