Tl;Dr: I drunkly and falsely called my boyfriend small and he is now struggling with his mental health.
Throwaway, obviously. Apologies in advance for the long post. My now probably ex-BF and I have been together on and off for 5 years. We were good friends before but over the course of our relationship became each other’s best friend. We hang out all the time, are always in contact and are pretty much joined at the hip. The off part of our relationship was my first mistake. Some years ago, I went into a terrible depression and withdrew from society, including him. I just felt pressurised by the need to be ‘fun’ and instead of talking to him about it, I just disappeared. When I started bouncing back, I reached out and he was angry but accepting. I credit him with actually pulling me out of it and while we restarted as friends, we inevitably ended up in relationship again. Our communication(read mine, as his was always good) seemed better. Except this time around he started off with doing things like apologising every time we had sex for not being good enough. This then escalated to him saying he never really liked sex anyway and he expressed a worry that his dick was somehow not big enough. I, selfishly, only focused on the first part. I had never had a problem with his size and he was in fact bigger than most of my exes; so I didn’t really take this seriously. I started to try and ‘make’ him enjoy sex more but he even went as far as to ask whether we could still be together but remove sex from the equation. I admit I was frustrated with the situation. A year ago, while extremely drunk and discussing the same thing again, I said something I’ll regret forever. I was too drunk to remember saying this which makes it worse, but in his words I said, “I don’t care if you’re the smallest I’ve been with, you still turn me on the most!” It wasn’t even true about the size, but he immediately believed because I was the one who said it and he believes the truth comes out with alcohol. We almost broke up then, but couldn’t stay away from each other. The past year has been hell, more for him than me. We have fought constantly but he refuses to believe I would lie to him then, but also refuses to believe anything I say now. He lives on small dick subs, he dreams of me with bigger men. Paradoxically , our sex life has become brilliant, mainly because he has become excellent at it. But each time we have sex he spirals into a deep low. I tried reassuring him, ignoring his constant venting about it (huge mistake in retrospect), talking about it with him all the time, being extremely positive and complimentary. Nothing worked, he said I was letting him down and now he has broken up with me saying i trigger his spirals and he needs me to be the bad guy. I’m devastated and heartbroken. I fully accept my responsibility in this. I don’t want him to deal alone, but would it be selfish to not let him go? I can’t imagine our lives without each other.
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