My bf M/22 and I F/21 have been together for almost 3 years now. Everyone around says how much he loves me, families included. I don’t think we have ever argued seriously about anything but one thing. Naked women in his phone. The first time I saw it on accident in his photos once I brought it up all of it was deleted and never came back to the topic. A few months after I just had an urge to go through his phone (yeah yeah I know privacy etc and I hate that I do that too) either way I found receipts and notifications of him subbing for OF. Whatever came to agreement about it. I forgave him and even was able to build up the trust again, it got better than it even was before (didn’t check his phone didn’t have an urge or feeling, nothing just trust and happiness). Until one day I woke up in a middle of the night and first thing I felt was the urge to check his phone which resulted in me finding him thirsting over naked girls on ig. Argued with him, ended up taking on this topic for 2-3 hours, him praying on his mama and yes I forgave him. But forgave does not mean forgot, so I kept periodically checking his phone in the morning which was always clean until about a month ago I found in his search history a OF model that he personally knows from his school as well as a convo w his friend talking about one of the reels you can imagine what kind. This was a crazy day because I feel like a little more stress and I would have ended up w panic attacks in a hospital. He lied to me that the only reason he searched the girl was to show her acc to that friend. In the conversation there was no sign of her being mentioned which he said he deled convo so that I wouldn’t make my own picture in my head and not to stress me out. I said to text that friend and ask for screenshot of his side of chat he refused and a minute later admitted that he did in fact search her up not for his friend but just to check on her life. I went in panic mode and when escalated he was the one to call me down haha that sounds so ridiculous honestly. Though he begged for last chance said he won’t fuck it up he sees me in his future. I had to think on all of that for a few hours and ended up staying, yes, you can call me stupid. Though I told him if it will happen again I will pack my stuff and leave. Now I have not found anything and yes I’m looking through his phone still. The only thing I found was porn which I had never had problem w it. Though now when I saw that in the video it was basically just the girl and the only thing from dude is a dick I did start feeling a typa way at the moment but still don’t care whatever watch porn. But tonight I pretended to sleep and when he came back from shower was just peeking at his phone and saw that before he put his phone away he checked specifically for his search on Ig. He went directly from Home Screen to IG search and when he saw that there was nothing to clean up, he just closed ig and turned to sleep. Now I do not have any evidence but for some reason I’m sure that he still does it all but now I have no evidence since all of my moves he know so he knows what to hide I assume. Now you might ask why won’t you leave him? Maybe because I’m stupid, maybe because I love too much or attached too much idk call it whatever you want. But he is the person I’m looking forward to seeing at the end of the day. He still treats me good besides this, compliments, flowers, appreciates me, long talks, sometimes I feel like we the same person in different bodies, I just feel that connection to this day even after all the hurt. The thing is I don’t even know if it bothers me at this point that he does it. In a way I still get that feeling going through his phone but even when I found all of it the last time I felt nothing about it until he got me on the conversation about it. He is also the person who helped me learn to communicate in relationship because before I was avoidant about it and would bottle it up in me which is what’s happening rn
Damn I just realized how long this is. Sorry for the yap dump but I literally have no one to talk to about it. If I tell my mom I will end up crying my ass of and she will probably will take me back home. And I don’t want to ask friend for a shoulder because everyone already has their hands full w exams etc.
I just don’t understand at this point why.
TL;DR;: basically have a feeling that he still continues to check out the girls even though he promised and begged. I worry less than I did a few days after last time. But it is still on my mind and slowly eating me, and I have no proof if he does it or if I’m just making up scenarios like I usually do.
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