Idk what to do
I’m (21 F) and ex (21M) let’s call him boi. Boi was the sweetest guy I ever met and we used to go to the same hs. We dated for 3 years but we had some on and off gaps. I loved him so much but never told him bc I’m scared that being in relationship will hurt me or basically afraid to get left out so I prefer to not experience anything so I don’t feel the need of it . He reply to my story and my heart dropped ! He told me that I’m his girlfriend! Texted him back saying “ prove it to me “ he did . We talked a lot and eventually met again and Covid time hit . Wasn’t able to go out or be around bc of covid so we kept contact online ( we know each other in real life) . We start to be on and off bc I was afraid to give it up 🍒 . But by time I trusted him and we start to get to used to each other slowly . 1.5 y after and I decide to let him have it bc he been trying and waiting for me . Thought me giving up will stop the on and off situation and he won’t need anything else . Well that didn’t go well , we still was on and off . We kept in contact and still talked but he decide to break it off . He dated multiple girls etc but one day I decide to text him on his birthday ! I cry every year on his birthday ! I love him so much bc it’s the only person who could bring out emotions out of me .. I been numb and depressed for years … he show up in my life and I start feeling .. I start to feel again ! I was severely numb to all emotions but when he’s around I feel something ! After I texted him a meme saying happy birthday he texted me back and re added me on social media and we got back to each other again. It was from his birthday to almost the end of the year and those was the best few months with him ! No fights or anything and we see each other more often and he asked me to level up the relationship and maybe start to try for a baby ! I was happy and we start trying . One day he got so strange and deleted alot of our previous messages like the ones from two years ago .. and asked me to delete too and I fought with him and he blocked me out of blue and then a girl texted me saying I need to talk w her .. I recognize her and he told me that was his cousin so I replied to see what’s going on .. she got mad at me and crying and I’m in total confusion .. turns out to be his ex and they have a child together .. mind you …. He asked me to have his first kid with him . Things went down and she told me everything and I completely shut down and that was near the end of school year and and I couldn’t even focus and almost failed my classes …I went back to my numb state again… couldn’t talk or think I was completely dead but breathing .. did i just lost my love and the only person that brings out the live in me? Stayed quiet and then he text denying everything and demanding we should go back and yes I gave him another chance but his behavior changed drastically towards me and he wasn’t the sweet boi anymore. I spoiled him before and did everything I’m capable of and everything in my power to make him happy and it’s as far as not considering my self first and giving him all I have . He’s so different and idk why .. one day he so in love and the other accuse me of things I never did . Turns out the ex lied and told him I said things to her and i clearly didn’t even speak bc I was in shock and she was the one talking badly about him and his family but she was trying her best to make him hate me and he believed her . Every argument after he has to bring out the things she said and re accuse me again and no matter how much evidence I show him.. showed him everything and he still accuse me and he keep saying I’m a lair and I have no idea why…he know I’m bold and straightforward and he even told me before that he like that about me . He wanna stay but obviously don’t wanna change or help to not let our love go to waste and everything we did for each other. That’s the part where I walked away , I felt so unloved and he wasn’t making as much efforts at the end ,he did ask me on a date after but the two days before the date he did something that literally made me lose hope in him ,he blocked my insta and proceeded to send me a snap saying that I’m a werido for putting similar emoji in my bio and other stuff …I first stormed off and send him bunch of snaps but decide to block him before he sees it ,I felt that he don’t care anymore about my feeling so I just didn’t wanna bother him no more .i miss him a lot everyday but I can’t stay where I’m not loved properly. Ik he love me or at least he used to but he is never been good at expressing his emotions , he is the quiet kid that is also antisocial and not good at interpreting things or situations.tomorrow is his birthday and I cry every year on his birthday . Yes I love you still because you my precious boi but you need time to work on urself and realize what’s good for you one day and eventually know the truth about everything , I still find difficulties to feel any emotions that doesn’t involve you bc I was emotionless and felt like robot for years and somehow you brought it out of me , everything is empty and time going slow but I’m okay , happy birthday precious boi.
TL;DR : Lived in confusion for so long , should I even consider going back ? He is my only love but our situation wasn’t the best
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