I [26F] thought I would be child-free forever. I married my husband [31M] who was child-free too, but over the years I’ve realised I want a child, and I want it to be his. He’s adamant that he doesn’t want to split up, but I know he doesn’t want a child at this stage. Can I just wait and see….?

We’ve been together for 5 years.

We both agreed from meeting one another that we didn’t want children. My husband doesn’t want children in part because of his mental health and in part because of his deep desire for stability. However, he thinks we’d make good parents and would otherwise have a bit of an ethical obligation to have children as we think we’d raise good people

I didn’t want children because I’m young, and I grew up in a narcissistic household and had my own mental health issues (anxiety, worthlessness, etc) and just didn’t think I would.

I’m still growing and have years until I’d plan to have a child, but I know I’ve healed in many important ways, and now I feel like I have a lot of love and effort to give to raising a person. I want to spend my time slowly becoming more capable and prepared to have a child (financially, emotionally, etc)

My husband doesn’t share this perspective at this time. Do I need him to? He prefers not to have children, he doesn’t want children. But he says he knows what I want, understands it, and would never leave me over this. He would be happier with me having a child than being apart.

This tears me up inside because initially, I wouldn’t want our child coming into this world with a father who wasn’t motivated on his own to be a father. I wouldn’t risk that resentment, or the child feeling unwanted

But then, knowing my husband as well as I do, he’d be amazing, the child would never be unwanted. He’d love the child, be incredibly involved, learn every day to be a good father. It’s just the way he approaches life, and I’m sure of it.

So, I guess my concern is over whether staying together and seeing how this goes over time is reasonable, or if I’m just delaying the inevitable (breakup) out of my own feelings of desperation

I really, really want to be with him. I also really, really want to raise a child with him.

tl;dr: Husband doesn’t want kids, I didn’t, now I do. He doesn’t want to leave me, and could see himself having a kid with me. I feel bad about this - would it be unwise to stick it out for a couple years and see how we go?

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* This article was originally published here