TL;DR Ex an I work together. Self-esteem shattered by criticism and rejection during the relationship. Therapy helps, but ex's voice still haunts, causing anxiety, especially at work. Fear of new relationship being affected. Struggling with ex's success post-breakup, feeling unfairness of the world.
My (30F) ex(30F) and I broke up about 9 months ago. The relationship was quite abusive: she treated me like garbage from start to finish. Just to give you an example: we worked together, and she played jealousy games involving a coworker of ours. After a while, she admitted doing it because she envied my position in the company.
Anyway, my self-esteem was terrible during this relationship because she criticized me about everything: my way of working, my personality, my English skills (I'm a non native speaker), mocked me, etc. Also, we weren't having sex anymore, and I was rejected many times.
All of this destroyed my self-esteem, which I'm recovering now, but even though I'm getting better, it seems like I've been traumatized by this relationship, and I always hear her voice in my head criticizing everything. Every time I do something, there's an automatic thought like, "she won't like it and will criticize me." This is causing me enormous anxiety, especially because we work together. I'm already going to therapy and I've been doing much better but I can't stop caring about what she would think about everything I do.
I'm also starting to see someone else whom I really like, and I'm afraid this will affect us somehow.
Furthermore, I can't accept the fact that, after she treated me so badly, she's managing to do well: she got what she wanted (same salary as me and a manegement position) and is now dating someone else. I feel like this world is so unfair... bad people always thrive.
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