TLDR: Saw some of my husband's traits that were deal breakers for me, despite him being a generally nice guy. Wanted to annul the marriage as we got married 3 months ago. He cried. I forgave him. Don't know if what I did was right.
Context: Asian family, I have protective parents. I dated my husband when I was F18 and he was M21. My parents have always been very protective of me. No sleepovers at his place, no travelling overseas together. Our relationship has been relatively drama-free. Even when we have conflicts, we solve them amicably and in a healthy manner, on the spot, without any overnight grudges. Everyone around us sees us as having the ideal healthy relationship. We just got married on New year's 2024. I am F21 now. I know it's an early marriage, but we planned it because it was the only way we could be free of the rules my parents imposed on me. And our relationship was healthy, we have stable jobs, earning well over the average salary in our country, so no financial constraints.
After we got married, we went for a honeymoon.
Part 1: We had so many conflicts because he always did everything last minute, and the whole trip was planned by me. I wanted to finalise our itinerary a month before as we needed to make bookings, especially for tourist attractions. We created an excel sheet, and I told him to help me to put the places that I selected into the itinerary, as he was better with directions as compared to me. Even after 2 weeks, he didn't do so. Even during his days off work, he spent the days playing with his games and lazing around even after I reminded him to do so. I then did the itinerary all by myself. After, when I tried booking the places, half of them were sold out on the days and timings we wanted. Some we could rearrange to other timings, but others we completely couldn't visit because it was sold out for the days we were there. It was so annoying, and I voiced out my concerns that we could have booked those if he planned the itinerary in advance. He apologised for it. But during our trip, he would constantly be doing things last minute, like packing, leaving our hotel, etc. Which led us to either miss the event or only have a bit of time to spend at the attraction. This was super frustrating as everything was so expensive here, and to only spend a while there because he was taking his own sweet time pissed me off. I kept reminding him to pack his stuff earlier or the night before, and he didn't want to. I offered to help, and he didn't want me to, as there were certain things he wanted to put in certain places. There were a lot of other instances of other stuff, but that would be a whole other story. To sum it up, he has just been very difficult to be with during the trip. I really love travelling, and it sucks that the trip I was looking forward to made me so angry and frustrated half the time. I kept telling him to not do things at the last minute throughout the trip, and he kept saying ok, but it felt like it was just to appease me for the time being, because there was no action. I finally broke down, and he kept apologising, and promising not to do it again. So the last few days were alright.
Part 2: In my country, we are required to wait for a few years to get our own house. To buy a house and get it immediately would cost twice the price. So our arrangement for the next few years was to live at the houses of both our parents on alternate weeks to save money. We would each give a token sum of 80USD to our parents-in-law as a token of appreciation. Our parents-in-law on both sides did not ask for the money, but I proposed that we should, to avoid any conflicts regarding money with our parents-in-law since we are living with them, using their utilities, eating their food, etc. and honestly USD 80 bucks is a small sum to be living in someone's house and eating their food. I have been giving the money to my parents-in-law regularly, but he hasn't given the money to my parents for 3 months, even when I kept reminding him to. He is not in any financial need, as I know he has more money than I do, and also earns more. I told him that it is not nice to be living in someone's house for free, and that he should pay my father.
He kept saying that he did not withdraw any cash, and I said he could have done it long ago, instead of doing it LAST MINUTE again. And I said he could have transferred the money to them if he didn't have cash. He said that there was no agreed timeline on when he should give the money. I said that it is because my parents did not ask for the money. We chose to give it to them, and it's our responsibility to honour it once we have said so. They are allowing us to live in their house as a kind gesture, not to be taken for granted. I don't want my parents and him to ever have conflicts about money. I don't want there to be an instance when they ever have a conflict and my parents say that he has been living in their house rent free. And even if there was no agreed timeline to give the allowance, 3 months later is a bit too late, is it not?
It frustrated me because he is returning back to his old habits of doing things last minute AGAIN. And this time, it involves my parents. As much as possible, I would love for my parents to have a good impression of him, instead of thinking of him as someone who cannot keep his promises. Moreover, money is more of a sensitive issue, especially in Asian context.
I want to have children in the future. And this gave me a glimpse of my future. I don't want to be the only one changing my baby's diaper, signing them up for school, calling up babysitters when we are not available, planning for holiday trips with children all by myself, packing stuff for my children, etc. I would love for my partner to be as involved as I am. He just does not give me that security. And it irks me that we had this talk multiple times, and he kept saying that he will change, but hasn't.
On to his good traits: I know he loves me more than anything. He shows it through his acts of services, words, wanting to spend time with me, and gifts once every few months. His friends also comments about how much he loves me. Other than whatever I said above, he treats me well. He wants to solve problems together. He allows me to do the wedding however I want. He is very kind and patient with me. He has never raised his voice, and admits to his mistakes when he does something wrong. He is a gentlemen, and always knows the right words to say whenever I am upset, at him or at others. He helps me with physical labour (carrying my stuff, my bags, fixing my chairs/computer, etc). He is courteous to my parents, and gets along with my friends. Generally a nice guy who treats me well.
I decided that I want an annulment. Honestly other than this, a part of me feels I can do better. Maybe with someone that has better looks, because my husband is average, while I have been told that I am above average. I did have hotter and richer guys hit on me before, but I chose my husband in the end because he provides me with tender loving care, and is one of the kindest person I know. I don't know if it's simply because I am in love of the idea of getting married, and I am happy that he allows me to have the dream wedding I want. Because the previous guy I dated before him expressed that he only wants a simple wedding (I didn't break up with him because of that, we were only dating for a month, not exclusive). Maybe it's also because I wanted to break free from my parents' restrictions, so I married early at 21. We dated for 3 years btw. Honestly this is a big reason why it is so important to travel and live with your partner before marriage. But that was not an option for me due to my parents. I guess it also makes me feel that I may not have done much with anyone, and am possibly missing out. He was my first everything. Kiss, sex, etc. I guess every time someone hits on me, and I reject them, it makes me realise that I missed out on a lot of my youth. Maybe it's also because I resent that we are going dutch on our dates, and he mentioned that he doesn't have the finances to pay for hospital bills when I get pregnant in the future and wants me to pay half of it, even though I know he has the capacity to pay for all. It just feels like an unfair trade, because I am going through the pregnancy, and ALSO paying for it?? Paying for my suffering? I cheekily mentioned to him about the above, that I will go through the process, he will pay for it, because it's not easy for me too, but he doesn't want to budge. Next time with added expenses such as children, it didn't make sense for me to pay half of everything, as he is earning more too. And I'm afraid that if I voice it out too much, it will seem like I am here for his money. Which I am not. I have had far richer guys hit on me before and when I met him, which I rejected. I just feel that it is unfair that in the future, I have to go through the pregnancy process, and ALSO pay for it? I guess also for dates, it would feel nice if he offers to pay for like one meal per month or so?
It's also annoying that he seems to be very reluctant to spend his money on me or my family. With mother's day coming up, I wanted to bring my mom and his mom out (on different days) with him. I told him that I would pay half for his mom's dinner, while he pays for the other half. He was okay with it. But when I asked if he could pay for half of my mom's mother's day dinner too, he gave me a very unwilling look and tone and said something along the lines of 'Do I really have to?'. Like why can't he pay for his mother-in-law on mother's day when I am also paying for his mother? He did eventually say okay when I explained that his share would only be USD 20. But he was so unwilling. It frustrated me because why was he so unwilling to spend on my family when I am so willing to spend on his? This is a mother's day dinner with his mother-in-law and he was so unwilling to part with that 20 bucks.
Another reason I want the annulment is because maybe it's because now that we are saving for a house, I need to have a constant salary in my bank for the next 10 years at least. I have had some ideas for the past year about starting my own business, but he did not want me to quit my day job as he is afraid that my business may fail and I won't be able to make as much or even less than my day job, and I cannot pay for my share of the house. For context, we are splitting 40-60 for the house as he earns slightly more than me. What he says makes sense, but a part of me couldn't help but think of how brave I could be and take this step forward if I was single. I could make it big. Even if it fails, I am not in dire need of money, and I could slowly recuperate the losses.
It is just so insincere that he is always so unwilling to spend money on my family and myself. He is usually willing to spend more on shared expenses, like the house, renovation, food, etc. But when he gifts me presents, or even when he proposed, he kept joking about how expensive everything was. It made me pissed off because why are you complaining about spending money on me? Whenever I spend money on him on birthdays and special events, I don't complain about the money.
Speaking of the proposal, it makes me really mad because everything felt super last minute. For context of my country, we need to apply for a house a few years in advance, so a lot of couples in my country apply for the house first before marriage. Hence, proposal is simply a romantic gesture instead of a big unexpected surprise. The only surprise is how and when the proposal will be. In end of 2021, we talked about getting married on 2024 new years. We even talked about where we would customise our wedding bands after the proposal. Customisation takes 2 months, and he knows that. So throughout 2023, I kept jokingly asking him when he was going to propose. He then only proposed in October 2023. This gives us 2 months to customise the rings, and plan for a wedding, which the hotel already booked in advance with a deposit, so we are not allowed to change dates. It was so frustrating as everything was so rushed, and the customised ring did not turn out the way I wanted. They offered an exchange and re-customisation, but the timeline didn't allow for us to, as I only received the rings a week before the freaking wedding. It just felt like he planned everything last minute, and i am the one who needs to rush and plan afterwards.
I told him that I was unhappy about the fact that he does everything at the last minute, and it makes me very anxious, especially when it involves me. And my insecurities about having a child with him, and that everything would be done by me instead. I didn't tell him about the money issue, as I was afraid that he would think I am here for the money, even though I really am not. It's really a lot more of his gesture, and my annoyance at him being unwilling to part with his money on myself and his family, when I would always happily spend money on his family and him, always offering to pay for his family's meals and groceries when I went out with them. I told him that the last minute stuff was the biggest issue among other things.
I then told him that honestly if I had experienced going overseas with him and living in his house before marriage, I probably wouldn't have gone through with 'it'. It was a very difficult conversation. I was trying to phrase my words as kind as I possibly can. I also said, 'I have been thinking about this for a long time...' and kept stammering at my words and stopping. I guess he got what I was trying to say (to divorce/annul our marriage), and kept asking me for a second chance. I told him that we have talked about this numerous time, and each time he promised to change, but it never happens. He kept saying that this time he really will, and that he loves me too much to lose me. His eyes were red, and he suddenly broke down and cried. It was my first time seeing him cry, and he mentioned before that the last time he cried was at his grandmother's funeral when he was in elementary school. I know that those tears do signify his love for me. It broke my heart to see him cry like this. He cried for a good 20 minutes, stopping and starting again a few times in between. I told him that we would work on our relationship together, and that I really love him. I just don't know if I had made the right decision. I just want to let this out. Sorry it's such a freaking long story. I just have so much on my mind.
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* This article was originally published here
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