My partner (26M) and I (26F) have a long history - we have been together since early high school. I am genuinely obsessed with this guy, I love him more as the years go on. I obviously cant speak for him, but he is obviously hanging around for a reason… must love me too, haha. Weird for me to say that, given I have spent most of the time being needy for constant reassurance (have been working on this).
Anyway, we have been through, overcome, swept under the rug, fought through (basically every scenario) A LOT of different things. So my concern today isnt a “do we break up or do we not” situation, more just a plea for outside perspectives!
We have a unique dynamic, my partner is severely un-empathetic and I am extremely (often debilitating’ly) empathetic - we are a good balance when it comes to situations outside our relationship, but as you can imagine, often causes us some conflicts when it comes to communication inside our relationship, lol.
We recently had a huge, almost relationship breaking, breakdown - mainly because we were growing apart and I wasnt included in a big part of his life. I actually refer to this as death week, because I honestly have never felt that numb, empty, physically sick, broken, in my life. But death week ended up bringing us closer together - way better than we were before. We acknowledge it needed to happen.
Its been a few months now and something has just come up that I feel my kind of crazy, unstable self coming back and I dont know how to do the mind voodoo witch business (AKA just normal mental health lol) to keep it at bay… haha.
I have been getting closer with his friends and I’m now quite good friends with the only girl in the group, and I have been out with the whole group a few times now - all going well!
Tonight my partner brought up something he had been thinking about, basically just touching on the topic that sometimes there will be times where he wants to go out with his friends and that maybe I’m (me) not going to go to everything (I am butchering the delivery here, he really did say it in a healthy way.)
Basically this has my mind racing and spiralling a bit (please dont roast me about being toxic, I am working so hard on this in so many different ways).
I guess I am spiralling because to me, for him to explicitly say this means there are scenarios that he doesnt want me to be around / doesnt want to be with me.
When I express a bit of apprehension, he says “isnt it normal for couples to not do every single thing together” and I get it! I do. I mean… I understand the concept. I know this is a thing for people/couples - I am just really struggling with it because I have never thought “oh I want to go out without you”.
Thoughts? I know I will be in the wrong, I have been working excruciatingly hard on fixing a lot of the toxic characteristics that I had - I am still struggling through a lot, but the key word here is through, I’m loving and appreciating myself for every little better I do.
Additionally, a situation has just come up that I will be having to house sit for a month, but he doesnt want to come and stay with me. To me, this is huge red flags. That being said I know for a fact that he would come if I specifically said it would really hurt me if you didnt want to stay with me - but when I consider doing this, I feel controlling and manipulative.
How do you find the middle ground? Communicating your feelings but not being a toxic partner?
Anxious yet excited… here we goooo.
xx
TL;DR my partner says its normal to not want to do everything together
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