For anyone who cares to read. I just would like to get this off my chest, hence the subreddit.
I (19M) am a social person. I am overanalytical when it comes to people, and i pay attention to everything down to their minute detail. I believe i am good at conversation and generally having relationships. Except i can never pursue a crush.
I have battled with thoughts of cognitive dissonance about my behaviour pertaining to having romantic feelings towards people. I have a system of protection in which i have essentially convinced myself that i do not want a relationship, so whenever i meet someone i may have an interest in i think about them long enough that i get tired of them, or find something that i do not like about them by meticulously looking for it, or blame it on my hard degree or academic ambition, or just say that they are not worth the trouble... The dissonance part comes into play where i say that this approach is hurting me emotionally in a way i never felt before. For so long i told myself that i would meet such a person that would throw my complete belief system out the window, someone that would make me question my entire thought process and start from ground up.
I am a really hard person to like, nevertheless love, and i have zero expectations from life or other people that i will meet someone as such. This does not mean that i stopped looking, but i make no efforts in pursuing such a person as i do not believe they exist, or that they are practically impossible for me to find. Cut to the beginning of this summer.
After such a hard year, possibly the hardest year of my life, i had entered summer. And i met this girl, lives in a different city same country, through instagram. For so long i have been thinking of qualities that a theoretical aforementioned person would have: how they would talk, how they would react to things, what kind of beliefs they would have.. And this person checked all the boxes. I meticulously searched, and my system worked for a time yet it failed, for the first time. I was not scared, i did not have any excuses. I thought i had found my person, the person i had begun searching ever since i had become aware of myself.
This girl made it very clear to me that they did not have any interest in relationships. She mentioned that she does not care for people, except for one or two exceptions. She and i constantly talked about instances where people do not upheld an agreement at the start of a relationship and argue about which side is wrong or right, with real life examples from people we knew.
But, we talked. We talked for over 4, up to 7 hours a day straight, for over 5 months. The amount of days that this did not happen cannot exceed 4. For at minimum 150 days, everyday, we spent our nights together talking. She is not an avid sleeper and mostly stays up until 4-5 AM, and so do i, so we talked until one of us had fallen asleep every night.
Night talks then included days, and it was not long before i was spending 1/4 of my day talking to her. 100 days i spent like that.
Chatting online then did not get enough, and we hopped on Discord. We watched movies, did online tests, watched series, talked on there too... we sent and received pictures, vented. I did not share with another person this much before, maybe except for my dad. And i always loved and cared for her input and she told me the same. I felt like i could tell her everything, like there was nothing i would wantingly keep from her as i do not have a reason to.
She told me that i made her felt safe. That it did not matter who or what she was, or what she did, i was here to accept her. She said this to me, verbatim.
Around two months ago from today we also started flirting. There was a flirtatious energy going back and forth.
At this point i felt as if she had started caring about me. You talk to a person for hours on end every day, talk to them on calls, flirt, vent, share things with.. You have to care for this person, right?
As she said she had no interest in pursuing anything, i kept my feelings to myself. Out of fear of losing her. My flirting was very open though, and it was apparent that she knew i liked her. I cannot say the same for her, though. As much as she flirts she may be doing it for fun, no?
So i kept my feelings to myself. I did not openly confess. I could not contain myself from implying that i liked her, so i did, but i received no reciprocation. I received no signs or "dropping-of-hat" in front of me that said otherwise, that said she reciprocated my feelings.
I am not even joking about this part, last time i saw a nightmare where she was not in my DM's anymore. I wake up covered in sweat at around 05:50 AM, open my phone, and she does not have a profile picture. I look at her profile to see that she just deleted her profile picture and she did not block me, i was still following her. Yet she did not reply to a message i sent 20 hours ago, but had seen my story. I spent an hour doing stuff and went back to sleep.
When i woke up around 6-7 hours later, she had unfollowed me. Did not block me, just unfollow me. I had experiences with an unfollowing bug before so i messaged her that there could be a bug that happened and i told her that i sent her a follow req (Denial, the first stage of grief i suppose, but i thought it was a good excuse for sending a request). Two hours later i see that she rejected my follow request.
I know that i did not have to do anything wrong, that sometimes there is no closure, sometimes a person just does things. But i feel that this is too soon. I cant shake this feeling that says this is wrong. Our last talk was sending memes to each other, and talking about how it had been 5 months since we met. I feel as if i am owed an explanation, the tiniest bit of closure to fuel me to move on.
I am so emotionally numbed that i dont know how to feel about her suddenly breaking off contact with me. I lost the ability to cry a long time ago, so i have no way of pushing out my feelings. It is giving me a throbbing headache just thinking about it, but thats all i can do: think about it. And i dont know how i am supposed to feel about all this. I don't have any experience to fall back on.
I just need someone who can emphasize. Anyone who can share their two cents. I feel like i just need to hear an outside opinion to light the mist surrounding this.
I dont expect people to read this all but it felt good to write it out. If anyone did actually get this far i would really value their input, thank you.
TL;DR : I felt something i didnt feel for a long time pertaining to a girl, and she suddenly broke off all contact. I dont know how to feel about it.
